Indecision/Decision

Written By: Margene Wiese-Baier @2000
It's confusing when you 're trying to make a decision that is going to change your life forever. When you finally make that decision, and stick with it is like having the feeling of complete triumph - that a weight- like a two-ton elephant has been lifted off your shoulders. The sticking with it is the hard part. Especially when you have friends, and family that don't want you to change.
When I decided to get a divorce, so much life got in the way it took years to finally go through with the process. Was it life or fear? Being afraid of losing my children. Wow what a revelation. I had forced that one back into the storage banks of my mind. You know the part where you put things you really don't what to deal with, because to deal with them would be far too painful. My kids were my life. Afraid that I would be making a huge mistake, because he really was a pretty good guy wasn't he?
Just because my self-esteem was non-existent and just, because I felt no one else would love and accept me the way I was - like he did.
He needed me. I was there to help him, save him. Save him from what? Being an alcoholic, from self-destructing? Combusting and going completely mad? Going through Milestones Alcohol Treatment Center with him was pure Hell for me. Having to listen to how bad he felt for all his other girlfriends in how he had treated them. What about me? Wasn't I the one who was his wife and the mother of his children? For God's sake! What about me? Thank God! He finally sought the help of the V.A. (Veterans) to help him get over the hurdle of being in Viet Nam. I did not want to even try to fathom the horror of being in a war that no one wanted to support, let alone come to terms with, and acknowledge that it really happened,
but like the alcohol treatment I stuck with him through all the pain of flashbacks, and nightmares. The sad whimpering like a sad puppy when he was having a nightmare. Waking him assuring him that it was only a bad dream and that no one was chasing him. I didn't want to hear what the dream was about, because I didn't want to relive his horror in my owndreams
What I found is no one can save you; you have to save yourself. Once I found that truth, the decision to get a divorce was easy. Besides I needed to save myself, and I wouldn't be able to do that in the confines of and unhealthy, unloving marriage
Inside ourselves, we have an image, and ideal of what a happy marriage should look like, and my marriage didn't even come close to my internal perception of what that would be.
The worst thing about being in a bad relationship is that you can't give your children a good example of what a good loving healthy relationship should look, and feel like.
I guess that is my biggest regret about not making the decision sooner is that I could have possibly gotten into a healthy relationship. It seemed every time I tried to get out of the marriage before; my children would talk me into staying. They would do this even though they were the ones that would tell me; divorce dad, because he's so mean to you. Wow! what the human heart does to contradict itself to stay in the familiar.
Love has always been important to me, and I always wondered why I couldn't love this man, but how easy it was to love the children we created together.
I yearned to be with my soul mate, and came to the tearful conclusion that this man wasn't him. Not only was I sad for myself at this revelation, but I was sad for him, because I knew he deserved to be with someone that loved, and cherished him, and I knew I could no longer try to be that person, and I knew I deserved the same for myself.
It's amazing how the minutes, hours, and oh yes the year's just pass in a blink of an eye. A speck of time in the scheme of things.
Here I was at my wedding not knowing if I was doing the thing. Even though I had a gut wrenching feeling that I should not be going though with it, but then I said to myself" If it happens it must be meant to be. " A decision not to make a decision is the worst decision of all, because the decision usually turns out to be the wrong one.
That feeling long ago while standing in front of the minister when God was telling me I shouldn't marry this man. Maybe He was really telling me that this is just a small part of your life, because if I wouldn't of gone through with the marriage I wouldn't have had two beautiful daughters, and a beautiful grandson that took twenty-one years to come into existence. What

could be more gratifying than bringing life to children that could possibly make all your wrong decisions right - just by being.
So why did God give us a brain anyway just to let life happen to us, or for us to make our lives the best we can.
Now I know it is our duty as human beings to use or intelligence God gave us to make good decisions.
If we really listen, He will even help us. It may be that gut wrenching feeling, a friendly word whispered in our ear, a gentle tug at a corner of our heart, or that nagging little thought that runs helter-skelter through the recesses of our minds.
Life is a learning experience. I hope I learned what I needed to learn and now I have a second chance.
Not a change to go back and change the past, but the chance to change the future into something that I can be proud of. Regrets are futile, and not worth my energy. I am ready to fulfill my destiny; I hope I will do something that will leave a loving imprint on all humanity. Or at least I know that from now on my decisions will be the right decisions, so I can continue my saga of life in dignity.